I was flicking through the daytime TV channels today and I came across one of those "fly on the wall" programmes based in an American hospital. A premature baby was seriously ill, perhaps going to die. I watched the mother cry, wail and thought "that's sad". Then she said "Take me instead", and that's when I burst into tears. You see, I did that when I found Allan, when I was trying (pathetically I know) to carry out CPR, I was saying "take me you bastard. Allan deserves to live, I don't". But, well you know that my offer wasn't taken up. This is where I go all philosphical, but ultimately I believe I failed my man. Not only did I not save his precious life, but I failed to convince... well, whatever you believe (or not) that I was less worthy of life than he was. So I am even more pathetic.