I was invited to go to a colleague's 50th birthday party. I was iniially very enthusiastic about going, even though it meant travelling across Glasgow and back again. I wasn't even that worried about taxi fares, etc because I saw it as an opportunity to get out and meet people. Unfortunately, the feeling didn't last and I found myself getting there as late as I could politely be, staying for an hour and a half and leaving the same way I came - by my own car. I didn't enjoy it. Going there I was all sweating and anxious, and although I was able to have a few conversations, I felt extremely uncomfortable; not because of anyone else, just my overwhelming unease about crowds. I noticed that this is becoming a problem with me, I don't like crowds, and if there's noise and the rest, I find it very difficult to be there. That's what happened tonight, so I made my excuses and left. Mind you, there is a positive side to this experience; I actually went, and that in itself's a minor miracle. Losing Allan has affected me in so many ways, not least my confidence in social situations. Although we weren't exactly socialites, often preferring each others' company before others, we weren't that introverted. Now I feel I have become more of a social hermit, preferring not to go out as a first choice. Frankly I sometimes find this disturbing, but then it's also part of my comfort zone. I can be alone with Allan and be unhappy and crying or laugh out loud, without people thinking I'm a lunatic. I kinda like that.