Four years. 1461 days. Some good ones, some bad. Never thought I’d get through lots of those days, but with the help and support of a small but very good bunch, I have. I am getting through today. I will get through tomorrow. Allan’s example to me, how he lived his life, how he suffered and took that burden and still smiled, makes me both proud and ashamed of my own life. He made me realise that I have a value; that I could love and be loved in equal measure. His dying broke me, showed me that I was challenged and found lacking. The light had come into my life and left it just as unexpectedly as it arrived. I sometimes wonder, deep in my darkest times, if Allan is ashamed of me, and that makes me sad in return because I feel I failed him at exactly the one time when he REALLY needed me. Then there have been instances when I feel quite elated because I understand that love really is eternal and I can imagine a time when we’ll all be together and all my hurt will be ended and replaced by a simple joy of being with loved ones. So whatever happens, I try to ensure Allan knows that I miss him, will always love and remember him and cherish the time we had together, that he was a unique and beautiful person and I am truly blessed and grateful for the part he played in my life. Thank you for the messages Allan, they have been received and understood. I hope you understand what’s going on now and that you’ll always be there when I need you. With love and peace on this saddest of days from Allan and me to everybody .