Today is 18 months since Allan died. I honestly thought I'd never get to this stage. Suicidal thoughts almost overwhelmed me, and I'm still not 100% sure they've gone. For some strange reason, I seem to be "going on", though I have to say living, or even breathing is something that's hard to give up on, since it's all I've known. On this day I have to yet again reach out to Allan, to ask for his continued support, his love and understanding. Will he give me it? I know he will. And he does. Freely. As he always did. As he always does. As he always will.