It's now one year since Allan died. Today was a day of mixed emotions, following a trip to the cemetery my big sister and I had a coffee in Girvan, where I picked up a copy of the local paper to see how the latest notice I'd put in it looked. Not bad; not brilliant, but not bad. Allan's heart shaped flowers of red roses were dark, but nice. Maureen, my sister had a bunch of mixed spring flowers, which brought colour. Allan loved Spring, so some appropriately coloured flowers were a nice adjunct to my big bold (and dark) tribute. Allan, please give me a sign of your enduring love. I try to do so for you, through this journal and other things. I think about you all the time, I talk to you out loud and in my head. I wish you were here right now, sitting back and relaxing after a nice bowl of ice cream, thinking about a cup of tea to round things off. I wish I was going to bed with you tonight, feeling you close and all nice and warm next to me, I even miss your snoring! My plan for today didn't go as I wanted it to. You know what I mean. Maybe it was you who put the proverbial in the works by sending Maureen with me, but there will be other opportunities I'm sure. Counselling session this evening was okay. No obvious crying, I stopped myself several times.