Sitting in the car park outside work on a wet 25th December.  Totally disenchanted with the whole thing, and I mean everything...

I was at the cemetry on saturday (23rd) to lay a Christmas wreath for Allan, and of course for Jean too. Didn't see anything from Allan's dad, although I know there will be a reason for that.  Washing the headstone, drying and polishing the stone to not only clean it, but to help protect it from the elements until the next time I'm down, that's a wee bit therapeutic for me.  I wish i was down there today, but my employer (the NHS) seems to think I have no rights.  Funny that isn't it? 

Anyway, apart from that i still find this time of year tedious, facile and unfulfilling.  Maybe if Allan had been here things would be different, but he's not and they're not. 

Cannot believe how empty I feel without my lovely man.  I'm trying to fill some of the spaces with mates and social outings, but so far only had 4 this year.  I suppose for me that's a serious improvement, but in my nights in the house I'm surrounded by the memories and they often haunt me.  Loneliness is a killer.