I realised that I haven't posted anything for 3 weeks, so I decided to write something and post it last night, but despite twice trying and my laptop crashing, it just didn't happen. I miss Allan terribly. He was the one man in my life who fitted so well. I cry, not every day, but the tears are more intense. I'm talking to him every day, and yes I hear his replies (mostly). He stands at my side, as he always did, and supports me. I feel sometimes lost, though also I sometimes feel I can get through the day because of him. I am on this site every day, I just don't leave any footprints, but I felt that I had to write something down to let my readers and friends know I'm still here, still lonely and very much still unhappy in general. Keeping away from family seems to actually help, perhaps perversely, but a guy can only just take so much of other people and my work tends to drain me of my tolerance so evenings alone in the house are almost welcome. I dont really care if people think it's not "normal"; frankly, who cares? I do my own thing and I hurt no one but perhaps myself, and do ypu know what? I don't care!